flashthoughts

ANGELS AMONG US – THE FINAL CHAPTER

Posted on: November 25, 2014

ANGELS AMONG USTHE STORY OF MY FIRST AFA WOMEN’S RETREAT

What happened? The floodgates opened; but, I’m getting ahead of myself again. First, let me share exactly what I wrote in my journal… 

Saturday, November 8, 2014 9:41 a.m.

      Here I sit at the Women’s Retreat that I never planned to attend, but You, Father, had other ideas. I don’t know of a single reason, yet, why You wanted me to be here, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I may never know and, then again, You may show me later – either way is okay. I have enjoyed it. I’ve had fun and now I am truly enjoying sitting here by the lake.
          Please forgive me, if I messed up back there in the worship time. I truly felt You were speaking to me that we should march around that room 7 times to break bondages, the same way You “broke” the wall at Jericho. I still doubt myself though – and question. It’s not YOU I don’t trust – It’s ME!!! 

While writing that last sentence, the floodgate of tears opened as God revealed to me exactly what was wrong. He revealed to me what I have been battling with – unknowingly – for the last five years. This, I began to feel, was the entire reason for me being at this retreat. However, now that I had the answer to that question (Why did I have to go on this retreat?), I felt it left me with even more questions! Why was I still struggling with this? Would I ever be able to overcome it? I could write no more in my journal. All I could do was sob and cry out to my Father, the One Who loves me – yes, loves me still! I felt I should talk with a certain lady at the retreat; but, I wasn’t sure of the chances of that happening. I told the Lord I would leave it up to Him. If I was truly meant to speak with this person, He would provide the opportunity. Not only did He provide that opportunity, He provided it almost immediately! Yet, even when that lady spoke to me first, I almost didn’t take it. I answered her question to me then turned to finish what I was doing; but, I knew I couldn’t ignore this opportunity. I turned back to her and said simply, “Actually, can we talk?” So we stepped outside the meeting room and I explained to her what had happened. She spoke quite matter-of-factly to me and absolutely nailed it! The guilt, confusion and, quite honestly, almost “shame” that I felt over this HAD to GO!!! As I had said, more times than I can count over the last five years, God is a gentleman and He will NOT override man’s free will. To provide an explanation in the shortest way I know how, I had been struggling with what I guess could be called self-doubt for the last five years because of my second marriage. I was not looking to get married, but I truly felt God was in it. I was led to believe I was marrying a Godly man and I prayed about it and truly felt it was the right thing to do. Then, one month before our first anniversary, I came home to find my husband had left. For the next five years I struggled with self-doubt because I wondered how I could have missed God THAT bad! He showed me in many different ways and assured me that I was wrong in my thinking. Somehow the enemy tricked me into believing I had accepted it and moved on, when in reality, I had not. 

With GREAT happiness, I am here to tell you that, because of Him sending me on the retreat where He could get me TRULY quieted before Him, my Father has COMPLETELY broken that bondage. With that bondage broken, He has been able to do so many other things in me – in my heart, in my faith, in my strength and courage in Him – things I feel sure He wanted to do a long time ago; but, He had to wait for me to be ready. Well, now I am ready and He is awakening a great hunger and boldness in me! The feelings of self-doubt and timidness are GONE and He is replacing them with feelings that I can’t even begin to describe. 

Getting rid of that self-doubt may have been the main reason for Him taking me on the retreat; but, other good things have come from me being there, too. Remember in Part I of this story, when I shared how I didn’t even want to be at “that” church? Well, I feel it only fair to share, the next Sunday (the Sunday morning following the retreat) when we went to church, I didn’t feel as much like an “outsider”. It felt more like being in a wonderful second home. Trust me when I tell you, it wasn’t because anyone in that church was any different than when I’d started going there last December. It was because I was different. 

I would also like to share, the change I am feeling in myself today, some two weeks after the retreat, did not happen overnight. I get stronger and stronger every day and He is filling me with so many thoughts every day and showing me things He wants to do through me – YES, little old me! Does He need me to do these things? No, absolutely not! He just loves me so much, He WANTS to include me in His plans and allow me to play a small part in them. 

Since allowing Him to completely remove the unhealthy thoughts from me, He is filling me with so many HEALTHY things and revealing so much to me that I wouldn’t be surprised if y’all see more posts here from me soon. As I’ve said before, I don’t usually post much in my blog because I only post when I feel it is something God wants me to share for some reason. Whether it’s to possibly help someone else going through something similar or to give someone something to really think about and ponder on. Since the retreat, though, He has been giving me a lot to think about and ponder on and, when I feel He is telling me to share something, I will. 

I love y’all and I thank you for taking your most valuable possession, your time, to read the story of my first ever AFA Women’s Retreat – and beyond 🙂

P.S. How cool is it that in our (mine and my husband’s) devotion time this morning, He gave me the scripture that truly sums up this first ever “series” of blog posts that I’ve written……

“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.” ~ Philippians 1:20 (NIV)

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2 Responses to "ANGELS AMONG US – THE FINAL CHAPTER"

Kath, that is so great. In a very real sense, “you” had disappeared for those years. I’m so glad you’re back. I remember when I got my identity back after years of fighting at home and I went to another city to record my CD. The first thing the LORD did before the recording time was restore my soul. He is so faithful. I came back healed, having been able to forgive and move on. The battles weren’t over; in fact, they got worse, but “me” didn’t get lost in the process again. We must never lose sight of WHO we are in Him. You might really like my favorite Bible teacher on the subject of applying grace to your life – John Sheasby. He’s on http://www.liberatedliving.com. I can recommend many of the teachings I’ve already heard. I’m thinking of the renewing the mind series.

Thank you for your sweet words, Susana 🙂 I miss the talks we used to have, but it is nice knowing that we can pray for each other daily and encourage each other when the opportunity arises. I love you, my sister! I will also check out the website you shared as soon as I have time 🙂

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